Often when we talk about depression, we talk about how best to help yourself to stay safe, seek support and just keep going. The thing is, when you are trudging around in its murky depths, you’re not at your most empowered and helping yourself can feel like a mountainous climb when all you’ve packed is diving gear. In short, you’re not prepared.
We’ve all seen and probably shared the social media posts about how people should reach out when they feel low and how you’ll be there any day, any time, just ask….. but would you? Would you know what to do or say? How comfortable are you being around someone in deep, mental anguish, dealing with an invisible wound that cuts deep? With no physical evidence of the cause and dealing with a person who may be shut down due to reduced capacity, how do you best support them? Often, we’re busy and we miss the small signs, the hairline fractures to someone’s psyche. We may notice that they are distant, detached, irritable, not sleeping or eating as they usually do, but all too often we chalk it up to being a bad day, because we ourselves are tired, stressed and have enough to deal with and, let’s be honest, it’s inconvenient.
So, what can we do? It’s unrealistic to think that we can all be hyper tuned in to everyone that we care about and when it gets to the stage that we notice, it all feels a bit big and uncomfortable. Awkward. Well, as someone who has experienced depression and in my capacity as a therapist, I would say that just being there is the main thing. Checking in, turning up, being reliable and constant whilst their mind is in chaos. It means a lot even when you’re unable to express that gratitude. Depression is isolating, so just keep being there. Secondly, listen. Really listen. Even if it’s to silence. Depression can be a communication suppressant. It takes longer to process and articulate what you’re feeling into words. Asking what they want or need can be helpful, but they may also not be able to pinpoint it. So my third tip is to be patient. They’re not being unhelpful, they’re just struggling. They need time. Circle back to it.
My penultimate tip is to make sure that you maintain your own self-care. Vicarious trauma and emotional burnout are all to easy to fall into, this is why my fifth and final tip is so seek professional support. GPs are a great resource, for you and for the person that you’re supporting and they’ll be able to give information on possible medications and referral options to other services, where appropriate. You can also help by doing research and gathering information to make those first steps in reaching out as easy as you can. NHS waiting times are often long, so look out for other options too. When looking for counsellors / therapists, remember that it is not a protected profession, so it’s best to check that they are qualified, insured and regulated. This helps to ensure that the way in which they practice will be ethical. Resources such as the BACP website and The Counselling Directory will have a list of approved practitioners. Many will offer online or telephone options if face to face appointments feel too difficult. If finances are tight, there are lots of fantastic charities and organisations that run free, subsidised or donation based services that often have specific areas of expertise. Take a bit of time in choosing, it’s a very personal decision, but remember if, once you start, it doesn’t feel right, then it’s perfectly ok to look at other options until it feels right. Therapy, first and foremost is all about the relationship. You’re therapist understands this and will support you in your decision, so do what feels right for you.
Help is out there, but sometimes you need help to get help.
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